We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
