You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
