Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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