sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
