I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
