Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
