i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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