Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
