I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
