Someone shit on the floor
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Rumble strips road head = magical
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
