I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
