he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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