it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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