The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
