32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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