hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
