I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
