You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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