Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
