Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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