Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
