To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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