You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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