my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
