I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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