I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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