i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
