Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
