Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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