i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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