He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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