I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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