just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
