sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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