Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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