Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
