ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
