Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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