I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
