Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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