My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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