i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
