Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
