That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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