I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
