hotel room ftw
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Randomize
