Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
