I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
