Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
