You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
