I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
